When he next asks me why I won’t get in a relationship with a man again (and it will be a ‘when’, not an ‘if’).
I will say ‘Dad imagine this. Imagine one day you decide to go to a different swim, to fish. You spend ages getting there too, all sorts of obstacles, It’s expensive, over treacherous ground and your fishing rods keep getting stuck in the dense vegetation. And then when you get there, It’s just crap and you don’t enjoy it. You don’t catch anything, the weather’s crap, the atmosphere is crap, loads of other things about it bother you, some of your expensive things get broken too. And nobody mentioned you had to pay a lot to be there! So you are pretty annoyed and a bit upset at yourself for making the mistake of going. But never mind.
Some time later, your friend comes along and you tell them this tale. They’re surprised. They say they’ve always had a good result there, and perhaps you were just a little too far down/upstream or made a couple of mistakes with your equipment. They’ve always enjoyed being there. You decide maybe it was something you’ve done wrong and decide to give it another go in a slightly different place.
So you go again. This time things seem different. It isn’t as difficult to get there. Atmosphere is different. You don’t have to pay this time as It’s in a different place. It’s a good day.
You go home happy. And visit several times again.
And then some time later, another friend rings you and says he doesn’t want to alarm you but there’s been a species of organism present there that can cause disease. You aren’t the type to panic unnecessarily, so you don’t buy it but then you start getting weird symptoms. You do a test (at home or self diagnose, or maybe go to the clinic) and sure enough you have this disease. It isn’t life threatening,but is incurable and can cause some painful, unsightly and embarrassing symptoms.
Again you’re pretty annoyed with yourself. You knew you shouldn’t have gone back there and now this has happened. You vow to never go back to that place again even though you already have this disease and you cannot catch it twice!
Anyway sometime later, you think again about the last bit. You’re a bit fed up of your usual angling spots, and the annoyance has faded with time. ‘One last time, this might be okay’ you tell yourself.
And you go back but your heart isn’t in it. It’s bad again, you don’t catch anything, the weather and atmosphere is rubbish, you get stuck in mud and it interrupts your usual best part of the day digging your tackle out of the ground. But hey never mind that’s happened before no big deal. Then someone comes along and says you have to pay. You say nobody mentioned this but you’re a decent person so fair enough, you pay. It’s quite a lot and you’re not happy but one of those things.
Then this person stays around. Annoying you. Trying to be patronising. Talking about things you’ve no interest in or know a lot about but tries to say they know more about. Eventually it becomes infuriating but you wait it out and keep yourself to yourself and ignore them. You later actually catch a fish, a pretty good one, though so decide to write the bad things of the day off and decide this might be a decent spot to fish, after all.
Next time you go, It’s because It’s just the easiest place to get to. It’s not far and It’s more convenient and you now It’s free if you go to a certain part of it at a certain time. However a huge,psychotic man appears out of nowhere and tells you you’ve no right to be there doing what you’re doing. You’ve no time to think. You deal with him, you’re strong as hell . But It’s quite unnerving. You think , ‘Right I’ve had it with this place, don’t want this to happen again!’ And leave.
Later you find out he was suffering from a common mental illness and had been institutionlised but recently released.
You go back again a few weeks later having decided that guy’s probably been incarcerated again so you’ll give it a go. You catch a good fish and it makes you pretty happy. Then the problems start. An expensive fishing rod breaks and you feel this place holds some sort of bad luck for you because It’s something difficult to replace. And then you see other small signs that It’s bad. It seems to have gone darker quickly and a storm is brewing. You tell yourself you’re being silly, you’ve overcome worse , and carry on.
The storm isn’t SO bad and passes. But nothing else good happens. You cut your losses and go home. You decide that there are a lot of better things in your angling life than this particular place, so again, vow not to go back there again.
Anyway, remembering the above experiences one night while describing them to a friend, you realise that you’ve been there more times than you’ve actually given thought to. Other times that weren’t quite so bad nor had horrible results such as stuff breaking or you catching an incurable disease, but they happened too. Other times were all pretty nondescript but never good. Boring, annoyng, weird things had happened or the day just didn’t have a good affect on you. Yet you still kept going back. Why? You feel like a comolete idiot. You’re an intelligent, level-headed human being. You knew it was wrong to go back. You listened to people you trusted and believed them , though. So that’s not so bad, why wouldn’t you have? -but on the flip side, you knew, it wasn’t a good idea. And you still kept doing it. Even though you’d become annoyed, upset and physically hurt, and damaged yourself financially, physically and mentally.
Why did you keep going back? You ask yourself. Well, It’s because you’re naturally not the sort to be defeated. You’re not a ‘giver upper’. You love fishing, so you carried on. It’s normal to overcome challenges and persist with things, It’s the nature of the beast with fishing and fishing is what you do.
So it made sense on that level.
And then you realise, that as much as you love fishing, it wasn’t fishing you were doing. It was dealing with a huge hurdle you didn’t need. You fish because it makes you happy. This didn’t, so it wasn’t really fishing from that perspective was it? You seldom got what you wanted and you got a whole load of crap that you didn’t, in the process.
You had other places to fish which DID make you happy. As you did other things with your fishing time but the thing that made you keep going back was the challenge or determination that you COULD master this place and could do it because other outside forces or inside forces that drove you , told you to. Why did you keep going back? ! Fishing at other swims made you happy and brought you joy, they were a different thing. You feel like you’re going a bit mad , for keeping doing it again.
Anyway, that’s as close an analogy as I can get to come across seriously to you. BUT imagine this little scenario again, and imagine that you weren’t actually you, but were someone not interested in angling at all. They’d tried it numerous times but never got very interested in it and decided they preferred other things in life. It was at best ‘okay’. Like a plain digestive or a mildly interesting TV programme. YOU felt like you were going mad by keeping going back to that place, and you’re really annoyed with yourself for it but, imagine if you’d done it with no real need or want for it? Nothing about fishing/angling had EVER made you feel good or create enjoyment.
How much more nuts/mad would you have to be to go back and keep doing something, that made no sense, as it made you feel bad for one or another reason ,each time, when there was nothing at all attractive about it in the first place? You’d have to be a complete imbecile would you not? To go and do something that you weren’t interested in, but you’d tried more than a few times and bad thing had happened. Even worse perhaps, nothing GOOD had ever happened from it and only bad?! You’d have to be a bit of a dullard at least , to do that.
Now take that whole scenario, and there you have me and being involved with men.